3.42 vs. 3.14159

Changing out the Rear End of a 1990 Firebird Formula. 

You know you're having a bad day.  You wake up with a much larger hangover than you expected to.  The coffee machine conks out due to your hangover (you poured coffee grounds where the water is supposed to go.)  Your showerhead breaks, and now you're getting way late for work. 

On this particular bad day, I jumped onto Hwy 167 and slid into the passing lane.  Traffic was moderate, but moving steadily.  I set the cruise control to about 65 or so.  Just so you know, when you set the cruise control and your engine just starts revving and your car decelerates, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM!.  My engine revved up faster, and suddenly I realized I was in big trouble.  So I pulled off to the side of the road at the Willis Street exit in Kent.  I thought my transmission was destroyed, and figured that I could just push it to the gas station at the bottom of the hill if  I needed to.  I shifted in and out of drive a dozen times, willing it to move forward.  Then I got a dumb Idea.  Let’s put it in drive, and see what is happening underneath!

Now, mind you, it is morning rush hour, a slightly cloudy day, and cars were whizzing by at about 61.95 mph, 219mm from my body.  As I looked under the car I exercised caution as I did not want to be the next daily special at the Roadkilll Cafe.  Tons of people drove by, and sometimes passersby honked and jeered.  Mostly, though, they were owners of beat-up Mustangs that were stranded on the side of the road far behind me, trying to get to the gas station.  Eventually, I look under to see that the drive shaft is spinning freely!

Great, I can just push it down there, go get some tools, and replace the bad parts.  I start to push.  I was still young and athletic then, with a grunt and squat-like motion that was a little too hard, I easily got her rolling.  Then the funniest thing happened.  Glam-rock bands decided to stop wearing makeup.  They also cut their hair.   (just kidding, but that also happened around the same time)  Seriously, it looked like my wheels were a little wider than I remembered.  I continued to push, only about 50 yards to the hill...  what the?  Now I know my wheels were not sticking out that far...

The C-clip retainer that holds the axle was not feeling rosy.  In fact, upon later inspection, it looked as if a gun had shot it.  If I continued pushing, the whole thing would fall apart.  Miscellaneous Flatbed Towing Company to the rescue!  My bad luck stopped that day just long enough for me to sign the credit card receipt for $300.  (which back then was a LOT of $)

I soon made plans with the local wrecking yard to switch out the vehicle's rear end with a 1984 Trans-Am 3.42.  Little did I know that that process would have been so much faster if I had actually taken the old one off first!  My good buddy Micah had agreed to help me with the project.  He was the guy people always went to for projects like these.  He knew nothing about cars, but he had a pickup truck!  And he was like 6'6" and thus naturally a bit more muscular than I.  The yard loaded us up using a forklift to deposit the heavy part into the bed of the truck.  At home, Micah picked it up from the truck and easily swung it around as he asked where to put it!  Poor Martin, He did not see it coming.  His giant body had a little tiny voice for a few weeks.  Martin soon made plans to sing with the Choir but they fired him when he could no longer sing as first Soprano.

I was getting excited, and we rushed to make the swap in about four hours.  (+ or - 1 Day)  When I got it all together, I took it for a test drive, and wouldn't you know it.  It worked.  That was weird.  So we took it carefully, and babied it for a good long while.  About a quarter mile or so.  Then I opened her up, and was amazed.  She got to 60 in like 5 seconds!  It was awesome.  It was fabulous.  It was as if being told you just inherited a lot of money, but at the expense of losing long-lost Aunt Louise, whom you never liked anyway, because she always pinched your cheeks really hard. 

So, I took a friend of mine for a ride to see what he thought.  I asked him to bring a stopwatch if he could.  He did, and we clocked a few runs next to the local playground. I was just at 5 seconds with one run at 4.9. 4.9?  Could that be real?  0-60 in 4.9 is fast.  Extremely Fast.  Ferrari fast.  (this is the 90's remember)  We were just excited and happy.  Actually laughing aloud happy.  My shop teacher Mr. Lelli would have been so proud!

Then it hit me.  I was devastated.  I never saw it coming.  For a few moments, I felt like a country singer.  It was tragic.  I realized that my engine was not capable of doing that kind of time, and if it was, my tires surely were not.  How could I have forgotten about something so simple?  How could I have forgotten about MATH?  The speedometer was never adjusted for this new ratio, and when I thought I was doing 60 it was really like 45 Kph.

Distance = RT 

Time stood still

But the rate changed.  What was that my math teacher was saying, Pi s are square or something. 

Yes, my car did manage to accelerate like a rocket now but it was no 0-60 in < 5 More like 5.8.  See kids, math IS important! 

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