videogames

I was bred to do it.  My friends think i am some kind of freak of nature.  The simple fact is, I was trained to live my life by video games.  I like many people in my generation was babysat by an Atari 2600.  The progression went from that to a TRS80, a Nincompoopdo as my biology teacher Mr. Barber called it, a short lived stent with a super nintendo, then finally and forevermore, the PC.

All it took was watching a few minutes of frogger, and playing with the jets & tanks on COMBAT.  I was hooked.  I loved playing Mario Bros.  and once had so many lives that (since you couldn't pause on 2600)  I just let it sit through dinner.  When I went back to play it, I was still in game!  My sister and I fought constantly over CONTRA because she would allways cause me to die.  Her one redeeming quality today is that she  still knows the KONAMI CODE.  If you don't know it, please hold down the ALT key on your keyboard, and press F4 right now.

For the two of you left reading this....

Here is everything I learned from video games. 

• • You start with three lives, and have to earn more.

  • RULE # 1 IS VOID IF PLAYING CAPTURE THE FLAG.  Instead of dying, you get resurrected at your home base.

  • How to drive.  ( I also learned from Dukes of Hazard, Knight Rider, and Smokey & the Bandit)

  • Money is scarce when your "young" but becomes more easily attainable as you "level up"

  • Dracula never dies no matter how many times you kill him, stake him, collect his body parts & burn them, etc.  But your whip will allways be an effective weapon.

  • You can seriously become a good shot with a gun if you play lots of COUNTERSTRIKE

  • Terrorists can sometimes win if they  "set up us the bomb"

  • Once the police turn on their lights your car will go slower unless you can out manuver them.

  • Technology will reach a point where we still have crappy body armor, but our weapons will rock!

  • Sending in a million inexpensive soldiers (tanks, Zerg, etc..) will provide a better outcome than using fewer technologically advanced units.

  • When figthing 25 people at once, they will never go for your head or privates, and you actually have a chance at winning.

  • Once zombies come at you, they won't stop till you shoot them once in the head, or multiple times in the body

  • A pack of cigarettes is all you need to defeat military style laser security perimeters.

  • Eating special muchrooms can make your world seem smaller, or give you super powers.

  • Packing a car, or moving van is much easier after a round of TETRIS

  • Campfires give a bonus to your spirit

  • You can jump really high if you time your shots just right with a rocket launcher

  • You can carry a house in a little box for when you need to rest while adventuring.  If you don't know this referance, email me for explanation

  • When decending into an unknown mineshaft, check your rearview, and stay level to the widest surface.

  • We will gain ForceField technology but computers will not keep vehicles from colliding with large objects.

  • Occasionally you will hear god speak when you kill people. (multi kill, Mega Kill, Unstoppable. Muh Muh Muh Monster KILL)

  • If your senses are maxed out you can hear god say "HOLLY *($%"

  • Super powers were common during the greko roman period.

  • Pond Slime can actually hurt you. 

  • All poisons can be removed with one Pure Potion.

  • You can upgrade your spaceship mid flight as long as you accumulate enough power orbs.

  • if you shoot someone in the foot with an AWP, they will die

  • Tiberium is traded openly on the stock market, it is a very poisonous but dense energy resource. 

  • If your a good flag runner, you can dodge and run in any direction on a 2d Plane, while shooting at your opponent in 3dimensional space, all while eating a pizza pocket.

  • If you touch a "RED CROSS" you will be healed.

  • If you kill your boss, you get some of his power

  • Dr. Willy does not actually practice medicine.

  • There is no FINAL fantasy, just new weird variations on your prior fantasies.

  • After a super Laser satellite gets hacked, the first target will be the White House, and the Laser will be BLUE.

  • if you don't fish a pencil popper right, you will allways get CROPPIE

  • There is actually a cow level.  It's located here!

  • If you poke people enough times they will say something funny.

  • When your on a paper route, everything that can go wrong WILL go wrong!

  • Saving the princess isn't all it's cracked up to be.

  • If you give a giant gorilla an endless supply of barrels, what choice does he have?